Machete review

Machete (2010)

Director: Robert Rodriguez

Machete is one of those meta-ironic movies that are just too awesome to be true. It’s a real movie based on a fake trailer that features the most random list of actors you can ever think of and the result is a goofy movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously but still manages to entertain the hell out of its audience.

Machete stars Danny Trejo, AKA that Mexican guy you’ve seen in every movie ever albeit with a lead role for (I’m pretty sure) the first time, as Machete Cortez, an ex-Federale whose family was killed and now lives as an illegal in the United States. He is hired by a mysterious man to kill a racist senator (played by Robert De Niro in his best role since the 90s) but is soon set-up and finds himself not only trying to clean his name but also in the middle of an ongoing war between the senator’s anti-immigrant vigilantes and the pro-immigrant Network.

He's one angry Mexican

Danny Trejo is not the best actor in the world, but he does a fantastic job as Machete, perhaps because he is not playing Machete as much as he is Machete. But he is not alone, co-starring are Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez who do a fantastic job playing their characters and being hot when needed and Robert De Niro being eerily accurate as a racist southern senator. 

The cast also includes the most random collection of forgotten stars with varying degrees of success; Cheech Marin is hilarious as Machete’s brother and priest, Jeff Fahey is functional albeit not great in his role as the senator’s right-hand man, Lindsay Lohan is unsurprisingly bland yet surprisingly hot as Fahey’s daughter. But the most surprisingly good performances come from Don Johnson and Steven Seagal as a racist border vigilante and a Mexican drug lord respectively. Seagal’s best days might be past him but godamn does he nail the Mexican accent and he is pretty much the best thing about every scene he appears in.

But it’s not only the cast that makes Machete the great movie it is. It’s the fact that it pretty much nails the style it was going for. The film pays homage to the exploitation films of the 70s and early 80s as well as the ridiculously cheesy and gory action films of the late 80s and 90s, but it takes it a step further and is gorier, cheesier and more ridiculous than any of the films it pays homage to.

Rodriguez direction is what allows Machete to be all those things and not be a bad movie. Yes it’s ridiculous, but it knows it is and never takes itself too seriously. The action scenes in particular are hilariously over the top. There are decapitations, boobs, crucifixions, guts being used as a rope, stabbings, boobs, martial arts, shoot-outs, boobs, explosions and much more.

Did I mention boobs?

Machete is not for everyone, those who are looking for a serious action movie will certainly not find it here, nor is it meant to be watched as one. It’s great for what it is, a one and a half hour cheesy and gory journey with actors who are all in the joke and having fun. And that’s just what it is, just plain fun.